Heavy Crown, Soft Heart

Softness is not a weakness—it’s a rebellion in a world that taught me to be hard.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NIV)

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

I am a valuable being. Not just in the sense of money but in heart, mind, body, and soul. I have the ability to build, to create, to fix, to repair, and to love.

It’s Sunday, and that means it’s a go-with-the-flow, relax, chill, and clean-the-house kind of day. I did just that. Then I went grocery shopping and came home to cook the same food I bought. With a husband in the home. I still manage to pay all of the bills with assistance from an outside source and create ways to keep life flowing for us.

To feel soft while wearing so many hats, I bought myself flowers, sipped wine, and did some gardening. Gardening really helps with everything. I feel so accomplished and know that if I were without a family, I’d probably be living just a little bit better. But there is something that feels good when your child lays their head on your shoulder for comfort. There is something that makes it all feel worth it when you accomplish a goal and see your children living a life you weren’t sure you could provide.

I am strong. Sometimes too strong. But I am teaching myself softness. Reminding myself every day that I am a lady and I deserve things that feel soft, that smell soft, that are actually soft—without a fight, without struggle, without begging.

I remember being in every relationship and being the provider in every single one. I have yet to be truly provided for since my husband was put on child support for another child. That was a huge financial blow to me and my family, but we are making it through. I am making it through.

I’ve developed a post-shower routine. And when I don’t want to rush, I’m not going to rush myself. On the days that feel slow, I will honor the slowness. I will continue to pray that God makes a way for my family while I do the earthly work needed to keep us going.

I want to go on trips. I want to change the financial future for my children. I’ve started by contributing to my 401k and making sure my bills are paid first, no matter what.

I know I have a shopping problem. When I’m frustrated or aggravated, my first instinct is to buy myself something to feel better. I can’t fix what’s bothering me in that moment, but I will drain my pockets to get a quick mental break.

I want to have good credit. A savings account. Money I can reach for in case of emergency. But I don’t know how to handle my finances now that I’ve faced so much pushback and pressure. I need a way to fix it. I need a way to make it better.

I don’t fear death anymore. I fear dying and never having been truly happy. Never letting my hair down. Never exhaling fully.