Buried, But Not Broken: Remembering the Woman I Was

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." — John 1:5

They told me I have generalized anxiety and PTSD. I remember hearing those words years ago while I was in trauma therapy, but since then, I haven’t found a therapist who could truly help me unlock the parts of my mind I’ve buried. There was one who came close. But he seemed so focused on whether, as a white therapist, he could understand the Black experience that he never fully met me where I was. And while I appreciated his awareness, what I was feeling wasn’t limited to race. The pain I carried felt universal. It was human. Anyone could have experienced it.

What I think I need is a complete emotional reset. A breakthrough. I need to trace the moment where everything changed. Something happened. There was a shift in me. I can feel it. I can’t fully name it, but I know it tore something apart. And ever since, the version of me I once knew has been hidden away. She’s buried under pain and protection. I want to apologize to her. I want her to know that I’m sorry she didn’t feel safe enough to stay. That my mind did what it had to do to shield me, even if that meant losing pieces of who I was.

I wish I could find someone with the willingness and wisdom to help me uncover what I’ve locked away. Someone who can walk beside me as I explore the dark corners of my past, make sense of them, and finally release them. I want to move forward with clarity and peace. I want to reintroduce myself. Not as this version of me who feels easily triggered and overwhelmed by even the smallest discomforts, but as someone anchored in truth, confidence, and grace.

I want to feel light again. To move freely and feel joy in the smallest things. I believe that is who I truly am at my core. But how can I ask that part of me to come forward if I don’t even understand what forced her to retreat in the first place?

This is my healing journey. Not to become someone new, but to remember who I’ve always been.

To the woman buried deep within me—I’m coming to find you, and this time, I’ll make sure you feel safe to stay.